


How to Save A Life

by obvioustheory



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24369553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obvioustheory/pseuds/obvioustheory
Summary: Buck gets some news from his lawyer after the depositions are over. Eddie gets a late night phone call and winds up at the hospital.Canon divergence set after the depositions in 3.05.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 37
Kudos: 433





	1. Chapter 1

_“9-1-1, what is your emergency?”_

_“Hi, can someone come check on my neighbour, we heard a huge crash come from his place about 10 minutes ago and now he’s not answering the door, he’s been on crutches and his place has a lot of stairs”_

It’s an innocuous enough call, but 30 minutes later, Josh still can’t shake the feeling he’s missed something important. Something about the address is familiar. He’s never lived anywhere near there, and he’s pretty sure he’s never dated anyone with that address. Maybe he went there once for something. Oh well, he can always check the log if it’s still bothering him by the end of his shift.

* * *

Carla is just about to head home for the night when Eddie’s phone rings.

“Hi, Eddie speaking” Eddie answers.

“Hi, this is Maddison from Mercy King Hospital, I’m calling about Evan Buckley” the voice on the other end replies. Eddie can feel the anxiety rise in his chest, what the hell has Buck done this time.

“Is Buck ok?” Eddie asks, switching his phone to speaker so Carla can hear the reply. The 118 might not be speaking to Buck at the moment, but he knows that Carla still is.

“He’s in a stable condition in ICU, but it’s probably better if we talk in person” Maddison replies. “Are you able to get here?”

Carla nods without hesitation, signalling Eddie to go. “I’ll be there as soon as I can” Eddie replies before hanging up the phone.

“Go” Carla says before he can get a word out. “I’ll stay, call me when you get there, and drive safe, last thing we need is you and Buck in adjoining rooms.”

* * *

Eddie arrives at the hospital in record time, he gives his name to the nurse at the desk but before she can stop him, he sees Buck’s room and runs straight in.

Buck is unconscious, wearing an oxygen mask and hooked up to multiple machines. The medic in Eddie notes that Buck’s vitals are within normal range, although all of them are on the low side. Without thinking, Eddie grabs Buck’s hand and squeezes, hoping to get a reaction but Buck doesn’t stir.

“Hi, you must be Eddie” He recognises the voice from the phone and looks up to see a young woman standing by the door. “I’m Maddison, why don’t we talk outside” She must notice the flash of panic that crosses Eddie’s face as he thinks of leaving Buck alone. “Don’t worry, we’re only going outside, you’ll be able to see Evan the whole time”.

“Buck” Eddie states, giving Buck’s hand another squeeze before crossing the room, “He prefers to be called Buck”

Maddison steps aside to allow Eddie to leave the room and then closes the glass door, she takes a moment to compose herself before turning back, giving family members the kind of news she’s about to deliver is never easy. “So, what happened?” Eddie asks when Maddison turns to face him, “Was he in some kind of accident?”

“Why don’t you sit down first” Maddison suggests, guiding Eddie into a chair just behind him. God, she hates this part, he has no idea of what she’s about to tell him. Sometimes it’s easier when the family already knows, when there’s been warning signs and they’ve been expecting it for a while. It’s easier to believe, easier to understand. “Buck’s neighbour called 9-1-1, they heard the crash and couldn’t get inside to check he was ok. When first responders arrived, they had to break down the door and they found Buck, he wasn’t conscious and he hasn’t woken up yet.”

“So you don’t know how this happened?” Eddie asked, maybe this is why they didn’t want to tell him on the phone, they didn’t actually know what happened.

“No, we have a pretty clear understanding of what happened” Maddison replies firmly. “Eddie, has Buck ever attempted suicide before?”

“What!?” Eddie responded on instinct, “Of course not, he’d never do that.”

“Eddie, this wasn’t an accident” Maddison replies. Before she can say anymore, Buck begins to stir and she grabs Eddie’s arm to stop him from getting up. Two other nurses walk into Buck’s room and start making the standard checks. The more conscious Buck becomes, the more distressed he becomes. Two more staff arrive and one of them closes the door on the way in so they can’t hear what Buck is saying. Just the visual is enough, he’s sobbing, huge, violent, ugly sobs that are painful to watch. He looks like he’s pleading with them, Maddison’s done this job long enough to know what he’s saying, and it’s not a good sign. She glances over at Eddie to see how he’s reacting to all of this, the man is crying silently and holding a hand over his mouth. The door to Buck’s room opens and Gabby steps out, she shakes her head and then heads off down the corridor without a word. The open door allows them to hear the sobs, it makes it so much worse. Seconds later, Gabby is back and heads into the room. Within seconds of the medication entering the catheter in Buck’s hands he starts to become calmer. A few minutes later he’s asleep again and the team exit his room. “You can go and sit with him a while if you want, he’ll be asleep for another couple of hours now.”

* * *

Eddie’s sitting in the awful hospital chair, trying to remember how to breath, how to think clearly, to figure out how the hell he missed this. Buck could have died. He looks up when the door slides open, expecting one of the nurses but surprised to see Athena instead.

“One of the officers at the scene recognised Buck” Athena explains in lieu of a greeting, “Ran into him on my way out of the station.” That explains why Athena is alone and not in uniform. “What happened, who did this to him?”

“He did this to himself” Eddie replies, although he still doesn’t really believe the words to be true.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Athena growls back, she and Buck may be having a difference of opinion about his life choices right now but how dare that man speak ill of her child, not while he’s lying in a hospital bed.

“He tried to k-“ Eddie chokes on the word, a fresh round of tear sting his eyes and nausea rises in his gut, “He, he tried to….”

“No” Athena feels like someone punched her in the face, she’s been through this before and she never thought it’d happen again. She rushes over to the bed, taking Buck’s hand and pressing their foreheads together gently, she doesn’t even realise she’s crying. “No, baby, what happened?.”

Eddie watches, helpless. Athena is one of the strongest women he’s ever meet and she’s sobbing over his best friend’s unconscious body in a way that reminds him of Buck’s distress when he regained consciousness. Minutes later, Eddie senses another presence in the room and looks up to see Maddie and Chimney in the doorway. He taps Athena on the shoulder to let her know that they are no longer alone.

“H-Hi” Eddie stutters, not sure what Maddie already knows or what she might suspect. Maddison had promised to call her before leaving Eddie alone in the room, but Eddie had gone straight to Buck before seeing the nurse, he won’t put in past Maddie to do the same.

“We already spoke to Maddison” Maddie says quietly. She’s hovering in the doorway and looking everywhere but at her brother, like if she doesn’t see him in this hospital bed then this is not really happening. Chimney guides her into the room gently and into the chair Eddie had vacated when Athena arrived. The room is quiet. Athena is sobbing gently still holding Buck like she’s scared he’ll vanish into thin air if she lets go. Maddie is staring at the ceiling tiles as the tears roll down her face. Chimney stands behind Maddie, placing a hand on her shoulder before briefly leaning forward to place Maddie’s hand in Buck’s. Eddie hovers by Athena, not sure what his place is here anymore, he’s said something things to Buck recently that he’s not sure he can take back, he’s not sure if Buck would even want him here if he was able to make the choice.

* * *

Two gentle raps on the door brings Eddie back from his thoughts, he looks over to see Maddison quietly step into the room and close the door behind her.

“So, Buck is stable for the moment, but he was extremely distressed when he woke up so we had to sedate him to keep him safe” Maddison says quietly, “As far as we know, Buck doesn’t have a history of depression, is there anyone else he might have reached out to?”

“You mean did he leave a note?” Chimney asks sceptically, it’s a myth that everyone leaves a note, because most people who do this sort of thing don’t believe there’s anyone in their life that would take the time to read it.

“Not a note necessary” Maddison doesn’t miss the scepticism, “Sometimes people might put something on social media, or send a message.”

“No, Buck hasn’t posted anything in a while. I would have gotten a notification if he did.” Maddie replies. “He hasn’t messaged me in a few days, but that’s not unusual for Buck, he’s pretty busy.” Chimney and Athena both confirm he hasn’t contacted them either.

“No, he hasn’t spoken to me in weeks” Eddie says when all eyes turn to him, then a thought occurs to him that has him scrambling for his phone, “But maybe, Christopher”

“Christopher?” Athena asks.

“He has this app so he can message family back in El Paso” Eddie explains as he searches for the icon, “He talks to Buck on it too, and I have access to all the messages.” He finally finds the icon and pulls up the chain between Christopher and Buck. “He messaged Chris this afternoon.”

“What did it say?” Maddie asks quietly, not really believing Buck would send anything this serious to an eight-year old boy. She sees Eddie becoming overwhelmed, his free hand balls into a fist and covers his mouth, tears spring to his eyes as he holds the phone out to Maddie.

_Christopher: I miss you Bucky._

_Christopher: Can you come watch movies with me and Dad tonight?_

_Buck: I miss you too kiddo._

_Buck: Can you remember something for me?_

_Christopher: Yeah_

_Buck: No matter what anyone says, I love you more than anything in this world._

_Buck: I’ll always be watching out for you kiddo, okay?_

_Buck: I’ll always be your Bucky._

_Christopher: I love you too._

“He said goodbye to Christopher” Eddie supplies for the rest of the room as Maddie reads.

“No, no, no” Maddie sobs. He had planned this, Buck had said goodbye to the most important person in his life, he knew what he was doing.

“Ok” Maddison says, getting the attention of the room. “Buck is going to be asleep for the rest of the night, why don’t you all head home, try to get some sleep and come back to see him in the morning.” It’s said as a suggestion but they’re all familiar with the tone, Chimney helps Maddie to her feet as Eddie grabs his keys and his wallet from the table by Buck’s bed. “Well take good care of him and we’ll call if anything changes”

They all shuffle down the corridor to the elevator without saying a word. When they get to the parking garage they all hug silently before heading off in separate directions.

* * *

The next morning, Eddie arrives at the hospital first thing in the morning, right as visiting hours begin. He gives his name to the nurse at the desk who frowns in return.

“I’m sorry, Mr Buckley is refusing all visitors” The nurse replies coldly.

“Are you sure, could you check with him?” Eddie pleads, “I was here last night, I’m his emergency contact, is Maddison still here.” He can hear the desperation in his voice but Eddie can’t bring himself to be embarrassed for begging a complete stranger to let him see his best friend.

“I’ll see what I can do” The nurse replies before walking away, the doors separating him from Buck remain firmly closed in front of him. Eddie turns around to see the ICU waiting room and finds a familiar face.

“He won’t see me either” Hen whispers to Eddie as she sits between her and Maddie, “Or Maddie, we both tried but Nurse Ratchet will not be swayed.”

They sit in an awkward silence, none of them sure what to do or what to say. Eddie can’t really blame Buck for not wanting to see him, but he didn’t expect him not to want to see Maddie. Minutes later Athena rushes in with May following close behind her, before any of them can warn her she’s speaking to the nurse, “Athena Grant, I’m here to see Evan Buckley” they all recognise the tone, it’s her Sargent Grant voice.

Nurse Ratchet doesn’t even flinch, “Mr Buckley is not seeing visitors at this time”.

“I’m his mother” Athena replies, her Sargent Grant voice slips and the anguish is clear in her tone. “I need to see him”.

“You can wait with the rest of your family” Nurse Ratchet replies, waving towards the rest of them dismissively. May tugs her mother away from the desk before she can make a scene, pulling her towards the rest of them.

May gently pushes her mother into a seat beside Chimney. Hen slides over, making space between her and Eddie. May slips in between them, sitting down and drawing her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. Eddie moves his arm around the back of May’s chair, not sure if he should try and comfort the young girl or not. He knows that May and Buck are close, they talk all the time, mostly online but they catch up every couple of weeks for what they jokingly call their sibling bonding night. A few minutes later May leans into Eddie’s side and he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around her. Maddie might be Buck’s only sister by blood, but May is his sister in every other way that counts.

A few minutes later another familiar face walks past and straight up to the desk. “Hi, I’m Carla Price, here to see Evan Buckley” Carla states. They all hold their breath, waiting for Carla to be turned away like the rest of them.

“You can go in, he’s expecting you” Nurse Ratchet replies.


	2. The Waiting Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck tells Carla about his phone call and gets a few visitors.

“Buckaroo” Carla’s voice might lack her usual enthusiasm, but it makes Buck feel warm inside all the same. Carla is standing in the doorway of his hospital room, unsure what to do next.

“You must be Carla, I’m Andrew” The man sitting beside Buck tells her, “Why don’t you come in, we’ve been waiting for you to arrive”.

Carla moves quickly to give Buck a kiss on the cheek and grab his hand before she sits down. Buck smiles briefly, but his face is blank, he looks at the wall in front of him to avoid making eye contact with either of the other occupants of the room. Andrew had been there about 20 minutes, he’d asked all the usual questions but Buck hadn’t been able to talk about what happened yesterday. When Carla had text him to confirm she’d arrived at the hospital, it had been a welcome reprieve from Andrew’s questioning and they’d agreed to wait for Carla, so that she could help fill Andrew in on Buck’s past.

“So Carla, I’m trying to get to know Buck here” Andrew says, speaking to Carla but looking at Buck, “I was hoping you could tell me a bit about him, how did the two of you meet?”

“Well” Carla smiles at the memory, she’s always had a soft spot for Buck, “I was working with a lady, Patricia, she had Alzheimer’s and lived with her daughter, Abby, a 9-1-1 dispatcher. Abby was talking to a handsome fireman on the phone all the time. Then Patricia went missing, Buck came to the apartment to help” Carla pauses for a second, Buck’s face remains blank, maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned Abby. She wonders if Abby had something to do with this, but as far as she knows Buck and Abby haven’t been in contact since Buck moved out of her apartment. Maybe she should call Abby, they haven’t spoken in a while either. “After Patricia passed, I didn’t see Buck for a while” Carla continues, leaving Abby out of it, “Then he called one day, a friend of his needed help with some paperwork to get in-home care for his son. Buck introduced me to Eddie, and I started working with Christopher”.

Carla stops at the mention of the Diaz family, seeing the pain on Buck’s face. She knows that Buck and Eddie haven’t spoken much lately, if at all, not since the lawsuit when the lawyers told them not to have any contact with each other. If she’s being honest, Carla hadn’t really expected either of them to pay any attention to that, but Buck hadn’t been at the house since the lawsuit started and he hadn’t seen Christopher either. Christopher missed Buck a lot the last couple of weeks, he’d begged Carla to take him to visit Buck, but she hadn’t felt comfortable going behind Eddie’s back. Maybe she should have taken Christopher to see Buck, maybe this wouldn’t be happening if she did.

“Christopher misses you a lot” Carla tells him, “Asks about you all the time”

That breaks Buck, he curls his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and dropping his head to his knees. Carla’s heart breaks as he begins to sob. She gets up and props herself on the side of his bed, wrapping her arms around him. “It’s gonna be ok, Buckaroo” She whispers to him. Then she remembers the other occupant in the room is missing a few details, “Buck was working with Eddie at the 118 firehouse. He was in an accident six months ago; his leg was crushed. He recovered and re-certified, but had a pulmonary embolism before he could go back to work. The doctors put him on blood thinners. He was supposed to return to work, but his captain wouldn’t allow it. Even after Buck saved Christopher and goodness-only-knows how many other people on that pier during the tsunami. He didn’t have a choice but to file a lawsuit to get his job back. The deposition was a few days ago, he’ll be back to work soon.”

“No” Buck sobs, “No, I won’t”. That has Carla confused, she’d heard from Buck after the deposition, he was upset that his lawyer had brought up things up the team’s personal lives without telling him but other than that the deposition had gone well.

“What do you mean?” Andrew asks gently, “Did something else happen?”

“The lawyer called yesterday” Buck says, looking at Carla, “He said the city refused to settle, that they have a good case and they think they’ll win in court, I’m never going to work again”.

Carla wants to try herself, Buck’s been through enough in the past couple of months, this was the last thing that boy needed. “Then, we’ll go to court. We’ll fight, and we’ll win” She tells him, “We won’t give up until we get you back on that truck.”

* * *

They end up talking for another few hours, Buck seems more settled and less anxious than when Carla arrived, but they come to a stumbling block when Andrew tries to convince Buck to let the rest of his family visit.

“What about this?” Carla suggests, “You let May sit with you, while I do the school run to get Christopher, and I’ll bring him in to visit.”

“Eddie won’t let you” Buck says, sad but resigned to having lost his two-favourite people.

“You let me worry but the grumpier Diaz” Carla says sternly.

“Chris is never grumpy” Buck retorts.

“You haven’t seen that boy after six weeks with no Bucky” Carla grins. Christopher might not have been a grumpy kid before, but he definitely is now.

* * *

“May Grant” An unfamiliar man calls out.

“I’m May” May replies, getting to her feet slowly.

“Buck would like to see you” The man smiles, seeing the others start getting to their feet as well, “Just May for now, I’m sorry”.

May follows the man into the ICU and the others fall back into their seats. They’ve been waiting for hours, but Buck still won’t see them. They were all hoping that when Carla arrived and was let in that they’d all be able to see Buck soon too. But hours have passed with no Carla and Nurse Ratchet is holding firm, they won’t be getting in to see Buck, not without his permission. Chimney tries to cheer them up, saying at least if Buck is able to refuse visitors that means he’s conscious and talking, but it doesn’t really make anyone feel better.

* * *

May is lead through the corridor and into the ICU, she vaguely recognises the place from her own stay here just over two years ago. The man beside her introduces himself as Andrew and says that he is a social worker assigned to Buck’s case. May knows that’s not good, once you have a social worker, they’re not just going to let you grab your stuff and leave, Buck will be in the hospital for at least a few more days and who-knows-where after that.

When she finally gets to Buck’s room, a nurse is in there talking to Buck as she checks on him. Buck is smiling politely, but May can see that he’s just a little annoyed.

“Buck” She exclaims, “You scared me” She rushes into the room to give him a hug, “Move over” She demands.

“Bossy” Buck sasses back with a smile as he moves over slowly.

“You love me” She grins, curling up beside him, “Hi, I’m May” She says to the nurse whose watching them with a bewildered smile, “Buck’s little sister”.

“I’m Carrie, Buck’s nurse” Carrie replies, “I’ll be back in a little while to run some more tests, but you should get some peace and quiet for a while, Mr. Buckley”.

The nurse leaves and shuts the door behind her. May snuggles herself into Buck’s side just a little bit more. “I’m sorry for scaring you” Buck whispers to her.

“You better not do it again” May replies, trying on her best Athena-Grant-don’t-mess-with-me voice. When Buck doesn’t reply, she becomes worried, “I brought you something” She tells him, leaning over to grab her bag from the floor. She pulls out her laptop and loads it up, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”.

“Seriously” Buck asks, “No third degree?”

“I remember what it was like being in here, with all the people and the talking” May replies seriously, “And you promised me we’d watch the whole series together before the new episodes come out”

“Ok” Buck grins. He’d forgotten May had been here, forced it out of his mind. But she was right, he was exhausted and watching a silly t.v. show with his little sister was about all he had energy for right now.

* * *

Carla was grateful when the nurse let her out of the ICU through a side door, so she didn’t have to face Buck’s family in the waiting room. She was angry, after everything Buck had told her about how they had treated him over the past few weeks, she didn’t know what she’d say to them if she had to face them without having time to calm down first. Buck had been abandoned, by the people he loved, by the people that he had fought to get back too, by the only family he had. Even Maddie hadn’t spoken to Buck in weeks, even she wasn’t on his side when it came to the lawsuit. Maybe she had her reasons, Carla could admit that seeing Buck trapped under that fire truck didn’t make her excited about seeing him riding around in one every day. But Buck was her friend and she’d support him if that’s what he wanted and it was what he wanted. She’d deal with her feelings about it later because that’s what you do for friends.

She was grateful he had May at least, that they were still talking and texting like they always had, even if Buck hadn’t gone to the Grant-Nash household since the dinner party disaster. And Christopher would be excited when she told him where they were going, it was going to be the longest car ride of that little boy’s life.

Carla picked Christopher up from school and brought him back to the hospital, going straight to the coffee shop. They placed their order for coffee and a hot chocolate for Chris and sat at a table while they waited for them.

“Why are we at the hospital?” Chris asked, “Is dad meeting us here?”

“Christopher” Carla says seriously, “We’re here to see Buck”

“Bucky” Christopher cheers, clamouring to get up, “We have to go now”

“Sit down” Carla says, guiding him back to his seat firmly, “Christopher, Buck is sick, and we’re all really worried about him. Your dad and his friends are all in the waiting room, because they can’t see Buck yet”.

“But I want to see him” Christopher says, tearing up instantly.

“And you can” Carla says. “But you have to understand that Bucky doesn’t feel good, he’s very tired and very sad right now.”

“Bucky says being with me makes him happy” Christopher states, “I have to see him, so he won’t be sad anymore”.

Their order number gets called and Carla helps Christopher to his feet and into his crutches. She smiles gratefully at the barista who’d waited patiently for Chris to get up instead of yelling out their number again.

They make their way back upstairs and pass the others in the waiting room as the nurse lets them back into the ICU. Carla smiles when she sees May and Buck snuggled up in his hospital bed, watching something on a laptop.

“Bucky” Christopher yells as soon as Carla opens the door, rushing in as fast as his little legs will carry him.

“Hey Chris” Buck grins, “I missed you so much buddy” May helps lift Chris onto the bed and into Buck’s lap before putting the laptop away. “Have you gotten bigger?”

“Dad says I’m going to be tall as you one day” Chris grins.

“You’re going to be a giant too” May asks Chris, “Are you going to be as strong as Buck too?”

“Yeah” Chris cheers as Buck wraps him up in a big hug.

* * *

More hours pass without any more updates on Buck. Eventually May, Chris and Carla come back outside and sit with them. Carla refuses to answer any questions about Buck and May shrugs, telling him that she and Buck just watched movies. Chris talks a mile a minute, telling Eddie how Buck said he’d grown a lot, and had promised to help him bake for the school bake sale and that Buck agreed that Eddie was a terrible cook. Eddie grins at his son, he hadn’t been this happy or this excited in weeks.

Eventually the doors open again and Maddison, the nurse from the night before walks over to them. “I’m sorry folks, visiting hours are over” She says, “I’m afraid you can’t stay any longer.”

They all get to their feet, gathering their stuff and resigning themselves to the fact that they can’t see Buck today. As they turn to leave, Maddison calls out “Eddie”, they all turn to look, “a little unsolicited advice, come back tomorrow, if that doesn’t work, come back the day after”.


	3. How's Therapy with Frank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie meets Frank. Buck meets the Fire Chief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts off rough but gets better (I promise).
> 
> All the trigger warnings for discussions of mental health issues and suicide.

When Eddie had called the day before, he hadn’t expected to get an appointment so soon, but apparently the 118 had been on the trauma counselling team’s radar for a while after the rebar incident, the stabbing & kidnapping incident, the responding-to-an-accident-involving-your-own-wife incident and the fire-truck incident. A year ago, if someone had ordered Eddie to go to therapy, he would have refused. But after losing Shannon and nearly losing Buck, he needed to talk to someone, if all the feelings swirling around inside him didn’t come out soon, well he’d end up doing something he’d regret, something violent and probably illegal.

“So Eddie, what prompted you to make an appointment this morning?” Frank asks, studying the man sitting in front of him. It doesn’t take a professional to see that Eddie has been uncomfortable since before he came into his office.

“My best friend tried to kill himself, two days ago” Eddie states flatly, it still doesn’t seem real to him that Buck would do that, not the Buck he knows. “We haven’t been talking in a while, then the hospital called and I didn’t really believe them at first”

“That’s not uncommon, it’s hard for people to understand why a loved one would do something like that, especially if you’ve never experienced depression yourself” Frank explains, “Have you had any experience with depression?” Frank knows that technically Eddie has never been diagnosed with any mental health issues, he’s read the intake form and his LAFD file, but it never hurts to ask, not everything is in the paperwork.

“Um, when I got back from Afghanistan, my wife left me with our son” Eddie states quietly, “I couldn’t understand why I made it back home, and others didn’t and I didn’t know how to be a parent to my son. I considered leaving Chris with my parents and….” He can’t finish the thought, he’d never told anyone before, never admitted out-loud how bad the first few weeks and months after Shannon left had been.

“Did you seek professional help?” Frank asks, already knowing the answer.

“No, I’ve never told anyone about it before” Eddie admits, “And I was scared if my parents found out, they’d take Chris from me”

“Are you close to your parents?” Frank asks, “Do you have a good relationship with them”

“My parents are complicated” Eddie states. His relationship with his parents has always been fraught in a way he’s not sure how to explain to a stranger.

“What do you mean by that?” Frank asks, lots of his clients describe their relationship to their parents as complicated, it means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

“They’re good parents but their opinionated” Eddie knows he shouldn’t try so hard to be diplomatic, but he doesn’t like people thinking ill of his parents, “They think they know what’s best for me and for Chris, especially for Chris. They helped a lot when I first got home, and I needed the help. But their idea of help is telling me what to do and how to do it, they don’t like when I make different choices. When I told them I was leaving El Paso, they tried to convince me to leave Christopher with them. And then after Shannon’s funeral, they tried to convince me to move back. They make a lot of comments about how many hours I work, the choices that I make for Chris and how I should do things differently. Sometimes I worry about them taking Chris from me.”

“You think your parent would attempt to take custody of your son?” Frank asks, technically under Los Angeles law, grandparents do have some rights to visitation and custody, he’s counselled first responders in the past whose parents have tried to take children from them.

“They talk about how Christopher would be better off with them” Eddie states, rubbing his face in frustration, it’s been less than five minutes and he already hates therapy, “I don’t know if they’d ever…. It’s just on my list of nightmares.”

“List of nightmares” Frank repeats, seeing if he can get Eddie to elaborate.

“Crashing helicopters, years of combat, losing people on calls, Buck being under that damn truck, Buck and Christopher in the tsunami, losing Shannon, it’s a pretty long list doc” Eddie states, “Add losing Buck to the list now too I guess”.

“You said you and Buck hadn’t been talking lately” Frank recalls, “Do you have a falling out?”

“Yeah, I guess you could call it that” Eddie states, “He was injured on the job a while ago, hasn’t been able to come back to work, he started a lawsuit to get his job back.”

“When was the last time you saw him?” Frank asks.

“Nearly a week ago, at the mediation” Eddie recalls, “The lawyers said we weren’t allowed to talk to each other. He didn’t even tell me what he was going to do, I got blindsided by it like everyone else.”

“Blindsided” Frank repeats, “That’s a strong choice of words”.

“Buck’s always been impulsive, he does what he thinks is right and he doesn’t stop to second-guess the consequences” Eddie says, “But I’ve always known what he was going to do next, every time no one else is expecting it but I was, I know when he’s going to do something like that. But I thought he was happy being the fire marshal, that he was ok with working a desk job while he was on the blood thinners, but then he goes and sues the city and I didn’t know anything about it.”

“You sound angry” Frank states.

“I am angry” Eddie replies, “He’s supposed to be my best friend, but then he goes and does all this.”

“What is all this?” Frank asks.

“Sues the city, tells some shady lawyer all our secrets” Eddie rants, “Tries to ….”

“Kill himself?” Frank asks, “Are you angry at Buck for trying to kill himself?”

“Yes” Eddie admits, “And I know that makes me a terrible person and a worse friend. But I’m so damn angry and I don’t understand why he would do this.”

“Have you talked to Buck since the suicide attempt?” Frank asks.

“He won’t let me see him, won’t let most of us see him” Eddie explains, “They called me when he was first brought into the hospital, but he wasn’t conscious while I was with him and then when I went back yesterday, the nurse wouldn’t let me in, said Buck didn’t want to see me.”

“Why do you think that is?” Frank asks, he’s got his own theory but he’s wondering about Eddie’s insight into how his anger has radiated onto others.

“The last time I saw him, was the mediation and we didn’t get to talk after, I didn’t want to talk to him after. Not after that lawyer tried to use Shannon’s death against me” Eddie really, really hates therapy. “We left, all four of us, we were angry at him and we left him alone in that building.”

“Seeing a group of people who are important to you, united in their anger against you can be a distressing time” Frank states, “How do you think Buck expects you to react to him in a hospital bed?”

“Anger” Eddie realises, and somehow it makes him feel worse than he already does. It makes sense to him now, why Buck refused all visitors yesterday. Buck expects them to be angry with him, for the lawsuit, for trying to kill himself, probably for another dozen things he can’t even think about right now. That’s why he doesn’t want to see them. “I don’t want to yell at him thou, I mean I do, sort of, but I just want to make sure he’s ok.” Part of him does want to yell at Buck, to ask him what in the hell he was thinking and how he could do that to him and to Christopher, and their 118 family, and Maddie. But the bigger part of him needs to see that his best friend is ok.

“Do you have any communication with Buck right now?” Frank asks.

“He has his phone” Eddie replies, “He messaged Christopher this morning, to wish him luck on his math test” Eddie smiles, even from a hospital bed, Buck still manages to think of Christopher.

“You could call him” Frank states.

“I’m pretty sure he won’t answer” Eddie replies, he knows that Buck won’t answer, he’d heard Maddie leave several messages on his voicemail the day before, “His sister tried calling him.”

“Well maybe a text” Frank shrugs, “You can’t force Buck to be ready to talk to you, he may not be for some time. But you can let him know that you’re thinking about him, that you’re worried about him, and that you’re available if and when he’s ready.”

* * *

Buck had considered not answering when he saw Chase Mackey’s name on his caller ID, but in hindsight he was glad he did. He hadn’t expected the lawyer to call this morning and he hadn’t expected any good news from the man. Mackey had explained that they had submitted all their paperwork to the department for review, letters from Buck’s doctors stating he was fit to return to work, the psychologist evaluation stating he understood the risks to being on blood thinners while on active duty and the statements from Buck about what Bobby had said to him. Then the department had review their own paperwork and discovered some inconsistencies in what Buck’s doctors had declared and what Bobby had been telling them. The department’s case wasn’t as strong and they thought and now they were ready to negotiate. Mackey, of course, tried to convince Buck to chase a settlement and not just accept the department’s offer to return to active duty. But Buck wanted his job back. So, Mackey, being the slime-ball that he is, used Buck’s current situation to their advantage. He convinced the department to do both, return Buck to active duty and provide a modest settlement since the lawsuit had taken such an emotional toll on Buck and landed him in hospital for “an extreme reaction to severe emotional stress and exhaustion brought on by the actions of LAFD” as Mackey had put it.

An hour after the phone call, the Fire Chief and Tommy Kinnard, the captain of the 217, were standing in his hospital room.

“When do you expect to be discharged?” The fire chief asked, Buck had only been moved to the low-dependency unit earlier in the morning.

“By Monday” Buck replied, still not certain, “The doc said I could return to work at the end of the month.”

“You have two options when it comes to returning to work” The man stated, “You can choose to return to the 118, however we understand if you’d prefer not to return to that house. Captain Kinnard has a spot available, and we can fast-track the paperwork.”

“You used to work at the 118” Buck states, finally realising where he’d heard the name before, “Hen’s talked about you before”

“Hen’s the best, even though she did shove my face into a cake on my last day with them” Tommy grins, “I’ve tried poaching her more than once, think you’d be able to help with that?”

“I’m not sure Hen thinks much of me at the moment” Buck states, hoping there will not be follow-up questions.

“Take the weekend to consider your options” The fire chief states, “Call my office on Monday with your decision.”

* * *

_9.10am: Hey man, not sure if you want to hear from me right now, just letting you know we’re all thinking about you and hoping you’re doing ok._

_9.11am: The 118 isn’t the same without you._

_9.13am: And thanks for seeing Christopher, he hasn’t been this happy in weeks. He missed you a lot, we all have._

_10.02am: Hey man, just letting you know I’m in the waiting room, I’ll be here if you’re ready to see us._

_2.05pm: So Chris has a Dr’s app, nothing serious, routine stuff, I’ll probably take him out for burgers after cause he hates the surgeon, we’ll be home by 7.30 if you want to call Chris later._

_5.37pm: Hey man, nothing to worry about but Chris needs another surgery, to stretch the ligaments again, he’s not real happy about it, he might be upset for a few days._

_8.23pm: Thanks for talking to Chris, I really appreciate it._

_8.27pm: We’ll stop by the hospital tomorrow morning so Chris can visit, let me know if you need anything._


	4. I Was A Bad Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie explains some things to Chris. More therapy. Chris tries to fix things. Judd Ryder shows up.

**Chapter 4: “I was a bad friend”**

Chris wakes Eddie early on Saturday morning, thankfully early-morning wake-up calls from his son now happen after sunrise, but still far too early for Eddie’s liking. They go through their usual morning routine of core strengthening exercises and stretching before breakfast. One thing they often don’t tell you about having a child with a disability is that it’s not just about taking them to therapy appointments, it’s also the homework and home programs in between appointments that take up time. As much as Eddie would like to skip through their morning routine sometimes, Christopher needs to do his stretching at least twice per day as well as his exercises from his Occupational Therapist and Speech Therapist. Even then, Christopher still needs surgery and extra therapy appointments.

When they finally sit down for breakfast, Christopher looks up to Eddie with his hopeful puppy-dog look, one he definitely learnt from Buck.

“Dad, can I ask you a question?” Chris asks shyly, biting the inside of his cheek.

“You just did” Eddie jokes, trying to ease his son’s nerves about whatever he has to say. Carla had told Eddie what she had explained to Christopher before taking him to see Buck but he doesn’t know if Christopher might have overheard a conversation about why Buck was in hospital.

“Why aren’t you allowed to see Bucky too?” Chris asks. Eddie had hoped that Chris didn’t notice that only he, May and Carla had seen Buck yesterday. But clearly his eight-year-old is perceptive.

“Well, buddy” Eddie sighs, knowing he needs to tell his son the truth. “I was a bad friend to Buck, a really bad friend, for the past few months, and now he doesn’t want to talk to me right now. And that’s ok, because I did the wrong thing and Buck deserves to be mad at me, but when the time comes, I’ll make it up to him and I’ll tell him how sorry I am.”

Christopher looks deep in thought for a few minutes before shrugging and going back to eating his breakfast. Eddie wonders if he did the right thing, whether he should have just told Christopher that he’d already seen Buck yesterday. But he wants to teach his son to tell the truth, even when you're wrong, and that you can make mistakes and learn from them.

* * *

“So, Monday morning you will be discharged home” Andrew explains to Buck, “You have appointments lined up with the psychologist from the Fire Department and there’s also a list of crises support options for you to take with you if you need them. And as we agreed, you’ll keep in regular contact with Carla, so that she knows you’re ok. Do you have any questions?”

“No.” Buck states flatly. In the past, he’s been itching to get out of hospital, trying to pester the staff into bringing forward his discharge date. But this time the thought of going back to his apartment makes him feel queasy.

“You look uneasy” Andrew states. “Is there something about your discharge plan you’d like to discuss?”

“I’m still don’t want to see them” Buck states, “But anyone can get into my building.”

“Into your building, but not your apartment” Andrew replies, “You don’t have to let anyone into your home if you don’t want to see them.”

“Maddie’s still mad at me. She keeps leaving messages when I don’t pick up. It’s like she blames me for all of this, like it was just me leaving her.” Buck states, “But she left me first, I hadn’t heard from her since I filed the lawsuit, I called her and she didn’t pick-up, she didn’t return my calls or my texts. So, she left me already and she can’t pretend otherwise.”

“And you have every right to be upset with her, and you don’t have to talk to her until you’re ready to” Andrew replies. “Your building manager replaced your front door and changed the locks, only you will have access to your apartment.”

“Bobby hasn’t even tried to contact me.” Buck states, “He was like my dad when I first became a fire fighter, now I’m just nothing to him. Athena calls a lot, but she doesn’t leave messages, she’s probably mad at me too.”

“Or she’s concerned. I’ve spoken to her, yesterday and again this morning.” Andrew rebuts, “She’s begged the nurses to let her see you again, not everyone is going to have negative interactions with you Buck.”

“You keep saying that.” Buck says sceptically, “Hen keeps sending me funny animal videos, like everything’s normal again. But she was never that mad at me, she just couldn’t talk to me in case the department found out and she got in trouble. Karen messaged me a lot for the last few weeks, way more than normal, I think Hen asked her too.”

“So maybe you’d be willing to see Hen today?” Andrew suggests, “And what about Eddie?”

“He messages a few times, just updates about Christopher.” Buck replies, “He’s letting Chris come to see me again today.”

“Well that’s a start”

* * *

“Do you usually do Saturday appointments, or am I just really screwed up?” Eddie asks as he sits down in Frank’s office for the second time in three days.

“I make time for those who need me, on their schedules” Frank replies, diplomatically, “How are things going?”

“I had to tell Christopher this morning about why Buck won’t let me visit him” Eddie replies, “He hasn’t really said much to me since, I’m pretty sure he likes Buck more than me.”

“Does he understand what’s happening?” Frank asks.

“We haven’t told him why Buck’s in hospital, he’s only eight, and I don’t want him to be worried about Buck” Eddie replies, “And he knows about me being in therapy, he understands that since he’s been seeing someone himself for the past month, he started having nightmares after the tsunami.”

“So, you got your son into therapy quickly” Frank states, “But waited until you were in crisis to see someone yourself.”

“Christopher comes first, always” Eddie states, “I look after his needs first and then take care of me. Sometimes between him and work, there just isn’t time.”

“You know why flight attendants always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others?” Frank asks rhetorically.

“Yeah, yeah, the first pulse you check is your own, I’ve heard all of those sayings before.” Eddie says dismissively, “But it’s different with me and Christopher.”

“Why?” Frank asks non-judgementally.

“It’s just me and him, if I’m not there for him then he doesn’t have anyone else to take care of him” Eddie replies, “Sure he has Carla and Abeula to help out, but at the end of the day, taking care of him, that’s on me. And I owe him.”

“You owe him?” Frank asks, “Why?”

“Because I wasn’t there for him. For the first five years of his life I barely saw him, I was a stranger to him.” Eddie replies. “And when I found out he had CP, I could have come home, been there for him and his mother, but I chose to say away and I told myself it was for them. But it was for me, because I was too scared to come home, I was too scared to be a dad to my son.”

Frank doesn’t say anything, just lets Eddie settle his thoughts for a few minutes. After their session is over, Eddie heads back to his truck, ready to go get Christopher from the Wilsons and take him to see his favourite person.

* * *

Christopher arrives around noon, at first Buck is surprised that Eddie didn’t follow him into the room but then he’s relived when he catches a glimpse of Eddie in the corridor and he’s that the older man is respecting his boundaries.

“Bucky” Christopher says shyly, ending their conversation about the upcoming school bake sale, “My dad’s really sorry he was mean to you. Will you forgive him?”

“Did your Dad ask you to say that?” Buck asks, tears spring to Chris’s eyes and Buck’s worried he’s about to have a meltdown. Chris shakes his head, “What’s wrong Superman? What did your dad say?”

“He said he was a bad friend and that you get to be mad at him” Chris sobs, “But I don’t want you to be mad at Dad, I want you to be friends again so I get to see you all the time.”

“Hey, it’s ok” Buck says, wrapping Chris up in a tight hug. “Your dad and I will work things out.”

* * *

“Hey man, how are you?” Eddie asks as he answers the phone. Christopher has been visiting with Buck for the better part of an hour while Eddie waits in the waiting room. The phone call from his old friend is a welcome distraction.

“Hey, you on shift?” Judd Ryder replies. He met Judd while still in the army, his older brother had been in the same unit as Eddie and hadn’t made it back home. Eddie had gone to Austin when he returned from deployment to pay his respects to the Ryder family in person, he and Judd had stayed in sporadic contact ever since.

“Nah, just waiting on Christopher” Eddie replies, not wanting to give Judd too many details knowing the man has a lot on his plate at the moment. “How’s things with the new crew?”

“It’s something else, I tell you man. Did a grain silo rescue this morning, don’t think half of ‘em had seen a real grain silo before today” Judd laughs, “You guys still up for visitors next month?”

“Chris is looking forward to it.” Eddie replies, “Probably because he thinks you’ll break him out of school again.”

“Yeah” Judd drawls. “Sorry about that.”

“Just wait until you’ve got kids of your own Ryder” Eddie threatens and he’s relieved to hear Judd laugh in reply. “How’s everything else going?”

“Well, you know this new captain” Judd replies, “He’s got me going to therapy”

“Is it helping?” Eddie asks, trying to hide his surprise that Judd had agreed to go to therapy in the first place, but Eddie never though he’d end up going to therapy either.

“I don’t know man, I’m not really one for talk” Judd deflects, “Captain says it’s coming out either way, but….”

“Yeah, I get that” Eddie replies, deciding to tell Judd about his own experience, “Before I went to my first session, I was so angry, I could have beaten a guy to a pulp with my bear hands, but now, it’s only been a few days, but it feels more manageable.”

* * *

Hen had been surprised when Buck had reached out and asked if she would visit him that afternoon. She hadn’t really been expecting to hear from him, even though she’d been reaching out to try and brighten his day with funny videos, it was there thing and she was hoping to get back to some normalcy.

“Henrietta, my love” Buck states when he sees her standing hesitantly in the doorway of his room.

“Boy, I will find a balcony” Hen grins, coming over to give Buck a big hug, “I’m so glad to see you’re ok.”

Hen sits down in the plastic chair at his bedside and they make easy conversation. “Tommy came to visit me yesterday, with the fire chief” Buck says abruptly after they’d been chatting for a few minutes, “There’s a spot open on his team if I want it.”

“You’re leaving the 118?” Hen asks, she doesn’t know whether to be sad that she’s losing her friend or happy for him, the 217 is a good house and Tommy is a great captain. “We thought you’d be back next month.”

“I haven’t decided yet.” Buck replies, “I don’t think the 118 want me back.”

“Of course we do Buck” Hen states emphatically, “We love you, and I know we haven’t been supportive of you recently, but we want you back with us.”

“I don’t know if I can go back” Buck replies, “I’m not ready to see everyone yet.”

Hen sighs, “Well then, you should know that Tommy’s a good captain, and an even better person. He’ll do right by you, and you’ll like working for him. Even though you two might have the most opposite personalities of any two people on the planet. Seriously, the man talks less than Eddie.”

“He wants you to join the 217 too” Buck grins.

* * *

_7.32pm: Chris says you’ll be going home on Monday?_

_7.33pm: Not working Monday if you need anything. No pressure._

_8.01pm: I’m sorry for what Chris said today, I didn’t tell him to do that. I wanted him to know it was my fault, what happened between us and that I was wrong. I didn’t think he’d try to be the one to fix it._

_8.08pm: For the record, I am sorry. And I want to apologise to you in person. But I respect your space, I’m here when you’re ready._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I work with kids with CP, I'm using my experience to add what Chris's needs would actually be since the show doesn't really touch on the reality of having a child with CP very often.
> 
> Also I haven't decided whether Buck will return to the 118 or move stations, but I really appreciated the comments on the last chapter when I floated the idea of transferring Buck.


End file.
